The Painful Truth
by Scarred Rose
Summary: Tokyo Arc. The events leading to Kurogane's recovery from his impromptu limb amputation. Light KF
1. Chapter 1

Hey all,

I know this has been done to death but it's another multi-chap fic about the transition from the Celes to the Tokyo arc. Like I said, it's been done, but sometimes an idea just won't leave you alone until you let it out, ya know? This is my first TRC fic, and I am hopelessly in love with KuroFai, which is kind of odd because I'm not the type to go looking for m/m pairings when the original authors don't explicitly state/show that they exist. I guess that just attests to the awesome power of this pairing :).

Anyway, on the off chance that some CC fans have sought me out over here writing for another manga gasp, I apologize profusely, but I can't force myself to write stuff; I have to want to do it. I've got way too much stuff going on IRL to give up my increasingly limited free time to do something I'm just not in the mood for. Don't worry, I still heart Chrno/Rosette to death and those stories aren't dead, just hibernating (a year between updates has happened before, if you'll remember a few chapters back). Anyway, sorry for the side rant, and enjoy!

Disclaimer: I'm not CLAMP, I don't own anything in here

&

At first, I couldn't quite figure out what he'd done.

I told him to go, and for once he'd actually _listened_ to me, loosening the steely grip on my wrist and withdrawing completely from the enclosing circle. I could only keep my head up a few seconds longer due to the spell's overwhelming drain on my body, and when I was no longer able to feel his strong presence next to mine I quickly crumpled. My last look at him showed a man uncharacteristically shocked and desperate, ignoring his wounds and discomforts to focus on me. I couldn't have thanked him enough for that look. Perhaps one of my wishes had come true, and before I died someone would feel some concern for me…however misguided that concern might be.

Before I could close my eyes and submit completely to the spell's action I was roughly grabbed again. My head shot up, confusion barely getting a chance to flicker across my features when something warm and wet dripped on my face.

Oh my god…

There were no words for what I saw, none at all. Kurogane grimaced, bone-crushing grip pulling me tight to his chest as his now bloodied and dead arm fell into my place in the sphere.

"Mokona!!" He yelled, adrenaline fueling his every move at this point. "Let's go!"

My eye wouldn't go any wider. All I could do was stare at him as the golden light and stiff winds from the transportation spell engulfed us, leaving my second home world to collapse in on itself and cease to be. The ninja was quiet and quivering slightly from the rush of what had just happened. He turned his head to confirm that the rest of our party was safely in tow, eyes stretched as far open as I'd ever seen them and pupils retracted down to the size of pinheads. Syaoran and Mokona stared back at us, struck dumb as they clutched the princess with twin expressions of shocked horror riding their faces. It was their stunned appearances, surely mirroring my own, which finally snapped me out of it.

"Kuro…" _He's going to bleed out_… I pressed my free hand to the stump of his shoulder, applying pressure in a surely futile attempt to staunch the flow of blood. The ninja inhaled sharply at the contact and loosened his grip, allowing me to extricate my other arm from his grasp and squeeze the seeping wound with that hand as well. I put all of my strength into that gaping maw of a shoulder, pressing harshly into the weeping flesh. It was no good, blood continued to flow in rivulets over and around my fingers. It quickly soaked my gloves and steadily began seeping into my sleeves as well, where the white fabric made it easy to tell how fast my companion's life was leaving him.

"Kuro…gane…" I muttered stupidly, feeling my breath go ragged as I watched my attempts to help him fail, the blood was up to my elbows now and not slowing in its advance up my arms. My eye went gold at the sight of it, pupil narrowing down to a cat-like slit. I was absolutely appalled at myself and tried to force the vampire back down but it simply refused to go. I could feel the pulse in his shoulder against my palms… squirt, pause, squirt, pause, squirt… could hear the weakening pounds of his heart… my E was dying. A choked sound wormed out of my throat and I leaned forward in desperation, placing my entire body weight behind my hands to put more pressure on the wound. I was shaking, he was shaking, the blood continued to ooze.

"Mage." His voice was at about a quarter of its normal volume. My head snapped around at the simple word, and I had to blink several times to clear my vision (when had I started crying?). "Don't take this for granted." His burning eyes tied my single golden one up. "Don't die before I wake up."

"Kuro— "

"No excuses." His voice, although quiet, held a bit of its normal bite. I blinked at him, studying his face carefully and trying to think of something reassuring to say. I couldn't get past the thick knot of worry in my stomach, it seemed to be constricting my thoughts. After a few seconds of gaping I managed a nod, cursing myself for not being able to come up with anything to say _now_ of all times. The ninja seemed to accept it however, closing his eyes and relaxing his hold on my waist, presumably to focus on his breathing. Gradually his rapid and shallow breaths slowed and deepened, as if he were falling asleep.

Quite abruptly, my voice decided to return. "No, no, no, no… No… Damn It!!" I hissed pathetically, feeling my own heart rate and breathing skyrocket as the ninja's plummeted. I had to do something more, but what more was there to do… _**what the hell else could I possibly**_--suddenly, I found myself kneeling on a wooden floor. Kurogane slumped limply forward against my chest and it took most of my strength to keep his unconscious form upright. The ninja's remaining arm slid down my back, dropped off, and hit the floor with a hollow "thud", the sound betraying a kind of heavy finality that I couldn't help but notice.

All at once my adrenaline-heightened senses began registering the commotion in the room around me. The first thing I recognized were the spears thrust shakily in my direction, the second the cries of "Oni!!" and "Demon!!".

My mental processes working a mile a minute, I quickly realized what this must look like, hell, what _**I**_ must look like… I wanted to ask for help, but again my damned voice wouldn't come, so I simply clung to my prey and stared at the men who were staring at me. One of them took a step forward, advancing the tip of his spear dangerously close to my injured friend…and then everything snapped. In a flash I had moved back two full body lengths, snarling like some kind of beast and baring my fully-lengthened fangs. My hand shot out and a spell dutifully flowed through my outstretched fingers to establish a protective barrier around us, but it quickly flickered and died; sending me into a fit of coughs and spasms. I really had pushed myself too far today.

The edges of my vision went dark, but I fought them back into focus, gasping, choking, and wheezing around my persistent and terrifying snarls. _No one will harm him again as long as I live to fight against them. No one._

"Prince Fai," A clear voice suddenly cut through the chaos of the guards and the blood rush pounding in my ears and chest. It resonated truly in my mind, clearly fortified and directed by some form of magic. I blinked, shooting my burning golden eye in the direction of the voice, one that I recognized, although vaguely.

It was Tomoyo. Dressed in a style of garb that resembled what my dear warrior preferred to wear, resignation and concern painted miserably across her young features. Of course, it had to be _her_.

"Please, we need to help Kurogane now. Give him to us." My grip loosened only slightly, the resolve to hold onto my savior only partially dissolving at her words. I glanced over at the guards still directing their weapons at us.

"Fai-sama," The princess continued, more magic working into her speech with every word, "No one here will harm him or you. Your appearance has startled those of my court who are concerned for my safety; but I promise that they will stand down." At that, the guards reluctantly did so, still eyeing me with distrust and trepidation. "If we do not treat him soon, Kurogane will die."

The last three words struck me like a blunt club, helping to sober my overworked mind. I took a few steadying breaths and swallowed harshly, trying to choke down another bout of coughing. Finally, I nodded to indicate that I was calm and had agreed to surrender my friend. The princess motioned to someone behind her and four men of slight build swiftly carried out a stretcher. They deftly extricated the heavy ninja from my grasp and placed him onto the stretcher before each grabbing a corner and lifting him up and away. My blood-soaked hands fell uselessly into my lap and I watched pathetically until Kurogane was completely out of sight.

I was so intent on the ninja that I didn't even notice Tomoyo's approach until she stood right beside me. I raised my head slightly, wrapping my single red-rimmed eye around her slight form. She looked tired, but smiled softly as she pressed two fingers lightly to my forehead. I felt the gentle kiss of her magic flow into me as she murmured a few words. A wave of exhaustion rolled over me. I recognized the spell, it was one that I could have shattered in an instant if I had the gumption. But for whatever reason, right now I really didn't want to resist.

"Sleep now, child." Her warm voice filled me, and I felt another line of tears slide down my cheeks. Then, I felt nothing.

&

There you are, poor Fai. The angst stick is fairly merciless sometimes, unfortunately. Anyway, those of you who have read me before know that I rarely use first person in stories, so the rest of this should be interesting to write! Hopefully it's interesting to read too! Please review, poor grad students live on cheap food and occasional praise.

Have a happy day!

SR


	2. Chapter 2

Hello again,

Hmm, I have hits and a story alert, but oddly no reviews. That's ok, (sniff) I still appreciate people reading this stuff. Just think tho, you could be the first person to review (and everyone knows that person wins the mysterious but fabulous prize!).

Anyway, have a second chapter. I've got to start trying this "shorter chapter" thing with my other stories, it really does make updates faster!

Disclaimer: I r not CLAMP! These characters belong to them!

&

The first thing I became aware of was a dull pounding in my head. This was quickly followed by an uncomfortable twisting in my gut. I groaned sleepily at the combined sensations, rolling over onto my back to see if a new position would alleviate the discomfort. Unfortunately, the movement only seemed to make it worse, pain slowly pulling my mind up from the depths of sleep against its very best efforts. Finally, I had to acknowledge the fact that I was awake and could not retreat back into the relative safety of unconsciousness, and so, I sat up.

From what my sleep-bleary vision could tell, the room was small and quite plain. The bed I was currently occupying was large and the off-white sheets were rumpled every which way, as though I had been tossing and turning the entire night. A short table sat immediately to my right, and there appeared to be light filtering through the thin wall separating this room from the next. None of this made any sense; my room in Infinity looked nothing like this. I rubbed my face languidly with both hands, trying lazily to force some kind of comprehension into myself. As my fingers moved up from my face and into my tousled hair, I quickly noticed that my eye patch was gone. I usually only removed it if I was going to shower… come to think of it, I didn't have a shirt on either. That was weird too, I usually slept with one on… unless it was dirty… or

Bloody.

_**Shit!!**_

I was instantly awake as the events of yesterday slammed back into the forefront of my mind. Ashura's death, the brutal baring of my past to my comrades, so much blood everywhere… the look on Kurogane's face when he'd traded me for his own arm…

Bile rose quickly in my throat, and I had to swallow harshly to keep from losing the contents of my stomach right there. What had he done? I needed to see him. Now. I needed to see him, and he needed to be _alive_ damn it!

I smoothly swung my long legs over the side of the bed, but as soon as my feet hit the floor my stomach twisted painfully. I bent forward with a hiss, curling both arms around my abdomen and cursing the fact that I'd been too nervous to eat the day before we left for Celes. The cramp twisted tighter and I practically doubled over to accommodate it, dizziness swimming in my head and punishing me for the rapid movement. I stayed that way for who knows how long, eyes clamped shut and mind focused only on relieving the pain so that I could get up and get to _him_.

Eventually, my gut seemed to relax and I forced myself upright, keeping my eyes closed and breathing deeply to ensure that the pain wouldn't immediately return with a vengeance. I had just started to calm down when I heard the door to my room slide gently open. My left hand flew instantly to cover the mess that was my missing eye, no one really needed to see the way my eyelid sunk unnaturally inwards. I could barely stand to look at it myself. A slight figure moved into the room from the bright hallway and I quickly spotted the small white ball that it carried.

"Fai-san!!" The ball called before launching itself at me like some sort of projectile marshmallow. It landed softly on the bed and immediately hopped into my lap, staring up at me with a mixture of relief and worry spread across its small face. "You're awake!"

"Good morning, Moko-chan." I managed, clearing my throat to try to get the froggy sound out of my voice.

"Mokona was very worried about Fai!" The fluff ball chirped, pressing itself into an awkward hug against my flat stomach. I sighed and looped my right arm around the odd little creature, returning the embrace more out of habit than because it was comforting. The only thing that would really comfort me at this point would be if our group's gruff warrior wandered through the door and started berating me for trying to be left behind in Celes, and if Sakura snuck in behind him, all small smiles and gentle words. Both of which were plainly impossible at this point, thanks to yours truly. I closed my eye and swallowed, silently hoping that my little family would be alright.

"Mokona was very scared that Fai-san would die in Celes! Mokona is very happy that Fai is ok!" I sighed and curled a little more around the "pork-bun", as Kuro-woof loved to call her.

"Thank you, Mokona. I'm sorry that I worried you."

The muffled sound of clothes shifting came from the direction of the doorway.

"Kurogane-san is still alive." I couldn't help but catch the implied 'If you care' in the tone of the words. I looked over at the figure who had carried Mokona in, not surprised to see Syaoran leaning against the wall, arms folded across his chest. He fixed me with his usual unnerving hawk-like stare, made a little more intense by his somewhat frosty tone. I returned the stare, though my own gaze was apologetic and yielding. I couldn't hold it for very long, he had every right to be angry with me, so I finally broke eye contact, staring at the lump of Mokona in my lap instead.

"That's good to hear, Syaoran." I replied quietly, my tone betraying regret and guilt. "Is Sakura-chan alright?"

I heard the boy shift his weight again and re-fold his arms. I had just taken away his love and his mentor within the span of two days. Whatever I was to him couldn't be nearly as important as those two. I didn't really deserve anything from him, especially considering the fact that I was the pawn of the man who had imprisoned him and taken away his childhood. I wasn't really expecting an answer to my question, so I was more than a little surprised to hear him reply quietly "I'm not really sure."

I chanced to look up at him again and noted that his face had softened slightly. Now he looked more like a kid who needed a hug than one who wanted me dead. Still, I got the distinct impression that he didn't need that hug from me.

"I'm sorry, Syaoran-kun." I mumbled, tired of always having to apologize for myself. Why did everyone I touch end up miserable and broken? I stroked Mokona's head a few times, and sighed. I was so painfully used to this feeling of fault that it left me completely empty. I couldn't even cry if I wanted to. All I could do was sit and feel resigned that the child of misfortune had struck again, sinking it's unmerciful claws into those that dared to think about him in a kind light.

I smirked darkly and began turning the idea of suicide over in my head a few times, the familiarity of the thought cold and real in the pit of my stomach. I'd never gone through with it before because I had a mission to fulfill; I had to bring my brother back. That was impossible now… I'd messed everything up in such a morbidly delicious manner… it only seemed appropriate that I go before I caused anyone else any more trouble.

But wait.

"_You better be alive when I wake up."_

I shook my head, cruelly shoving the familiar thoughts of killing myself away. That was the old Fai. The new Fai had been born out of the camaraderie shared by an unlikely group of people traveling through worlds. The new Fai was hopelessly and irreversibly tied to these people… and the new Fai would try to honor the wish of that special person who had almost died to save him.

_Kurogane… you big stubborn idiot… _

_You broke my barriers._

_You shattered my mask._

_You tore all my excuses away._

_I can't refuse you anymore._

_I'll live for you._

_But in return, you have to live for me._

"Syaoran," I spoke quietly, but firmly. My mind was made up. The boy looked at me, a hint of that deserved coldness worming back into his demeanor. "I need to go see him now."

&

Chapter 2 done, 3 is on the way! Please review, for I am but a pathetic little authoress who only wants love... or something ;)

Have a Happy Day!

SR


	3. Chapter 3

Hey all,

Sorry for the delay, busy being a good student and all. Yaoi-puppet gets a delicious cookie for reviewing first. Sorry dude, that's about all I've got right now. Thanks to her (him?), Lord Axel Lover, Hypothetical Berry, and nims dias for taking the time to review. Thanks to all of the favs and story alerts too, hugs all around. Aside from that, have a chapter :)

It'll probably be easier for me to write the rest of the story, had a bit of a hiccup with this part tho. Anyway, I'll update again when the muse strikes me.

Disclaimer: Don't own Tsubasa, are not CLAMP.

&

The shower was cold and the soap was harsh, but at least it did a good enough job of removing the dried blood from around my fingernails. Syaoran had quickly pointed out that I may want to consider a wash before going to see our injured comrade, for the benefit of the palace guards if nothing else. They had a hard enough time trusting me as I was, and the day-old blood and grime smeared on me like cold bacon grease probably wouldn't help my image much. I had to crack a grin at the kid for that one, he was definitely a thinker.

The water ran in rivulets over my chilled back as I scrubbed myself harshly. I didn't really want to devote much time to this, but a certain degree of thoroughness was important. Something about cleanliness and godliness sped through my mind, but I largely ignored it because it sounded painfully like a phrase that Ashura often used.

My Ashura was dead.

"I'm not really sure how I feel about that." I tried this argument out on the simple white tile of the shower wall, contorting my face into a small but sincere smile and shaping my eyes in an honest, slightly wistful manner. Classic Fai. The tile simply glared angrily back at me from under several drops of cold water.

_Liar._

I tried to swallow the lump that suddenly appeared in my throat, and after a few attempts succeeded in forcing it back down. There was really no uncertainty about my feelings on this matter. The king and I had been together for longer than any of my friends had been alive. We loved each other completely and fully, in every sense of the word. I know that if not for his brush with madness I would still be by his side, forever content to exist with someone who knew all my talents and all my flaws and loved me anyway. I'd been mourning his eventual loss in secret ever since I sealed him inside that glass coffin, but somehow actually knowing that those loving hands and kind eyes were gone…

I just couldn't deal with it right now. The dead deserved their due respect and attention, but the living came first.

I abruptly shut the water off as if to punctuate that last thought. Stepping out of the shower, I whisked a towel off of the rack and began drying myself off. My stomach growled loudly in protest as I worked, but I ignored it. More than likely, it wouldn't get any satisfaction for quite a while now.

&

Cleaned, pressed, and wrapped up in the odd clothing of Nihon, I strode purposefully out into the interlocking grid of halls that composed Shirasagi castle. Casting my gaze around, I noted that the hallways were made of the same general materials as the room that I had awoken in this morning. The walls appeared to be crafted from some kind of paper which was bounded on four sides and divided into orderly frames by a dark-colored wood. The floor was constructed from a lighter wood, and the ceiling…well, I wasn't really sure what that was. The halls were stark and Spartan, and it was easy to see how someone disciplined and hard like Kurogane could develop in a place like this. I preferred a little more disorder in my life, but clearly that was not something valued by the culture here. No wonder I bothered that poor man so much.

Sighing lightly, I leaned carefully back against one of the supports on the walls, crossed my arms over my chest, and waited in a graceful, calm manner for Syaoran to show up. Or at least that was my original plan. But after about five minutes of forced stillness and quiet I found myself filled to bursting with adrenaline and bad vibes. It felt like my stomach had literally formed a fist and was trying to punch its way out of my abdomen; leaving nothing but twitching butterfly sensations in its wake. My fingers also refused to sit still, continually drumming against the wall as my treacherous mind developed scenario after hideous scenario for me to find my Kuro-poo in when I finally did get to see him. Soon I simply couldn't take the inactivity any longer and started off down the long hall, hoping to distract myself with a short walk. If nothing else it might help burn off some of the nervous energy behind the slight tremble in my limbs.

_What is he going to say to me? What am I going to say to him? What if he's not even conscious when I get there? What if he's dying? What if he already died? What the hell am I gonna do then?_

I growled quietly in frustration and hit my forehead reasonably hard with the heel of my palm. Damn my overactive thought processes… thinking in possibilities doesn't help anything. I need real answers, and I need them now.

"And just where the hell is Syaoran?" I asked no one in particular, finally looking up to glare down the hall at where he should be waiting for me… only to find that I had wandered into a completely unfamiliar portion of the castle. I must have been walking faster than I thought and been so deep in my stupid musings that I'd gotten myself turned around somewhere.

_Are you fucking kidding me, Fai?_

That was the point where I just about lost it. I felt like crying and screaming at myself at the same time. Just once in my life I needed to be somewhere to see someone whose time may be running out. Just. Once. And of course I had to go and fuck it up.

_You're such a gods damned idiot sometimes, no wonder he tells you that every single chance he gets… he might not even get any more chances to if you don't find him soon… but knowing you, you'll probably mess that up too… I swear you're such a waste of air sometimes._

I fisted my hands into my hair and let out a frustrated and angry grumble. This was all very true, but also very counterproductive. Old Fai may have let this wave of negativity push him into inaction. New Fai couldn't afford to give into his self-depricating nature anymore… why were old habits so hard to break? I needed to get moving again. Straightening up, I forcibly stopped picking at myself and took a few deep, steadying breaths, trying yet again to shove my negative thoughts to the side.

I had only gotten through about two breaths when something caught my attention. Something dark, musky, and familiar. What was that? Self-loathing temporarily forgotten, I focused all my attention onto my vampirically enhanced sense of smell and inhaled again. This time I definitely picked it out, and blushed slightly. Sure, I'd noticed since becoming a vampire that I could smell my E from a few rooms away, but I never known that someday I would actually use this skill to track him down. It was really kind of weird, I mean, who goes around smelling people? But at this point, I wasn't going to argue with my methods. As long as I found the Nihon warrior alive… there was a chance that things could be fixed. Sniffing continuously, I quickly walked off in the direction of my companion's scent, trying to ignore the growing sense of apprehension in my gut.

_Please be all right_

&

There you have it. It certainly is a chapter, I'll tell you that much. Anyway, I'm not terribly enthused about it because nothing really happened, but it was pretty useful for further establishing Fai's state of mind and the changes he's trying to make in himself. I love periods of character transition, especially when they make one more amenable to a relationship that I endorse ;)

Next chapter we find out what's up with our favorite armless wonder. Stay tuned, if I procrastinate enough it may be up within the next week or two.

Have a happy day!

-SR


	4. Chapter 4

Hi all,

Sorry for the delay. I had to revise/rewrite this beast too many times for my taste, but it's finally somewhat presentable. Thanks to animeaddict11, Kitty-Katz-Katz, and yaoi-puppet for reviewing the last chapter and to everyone else who has been supporting this so far! Hugs all around! Enjoy the chap.

Disclaimer: I r no CLAMP, is not mine!!

&

I managed to locate the room that smelled strongest of my E after only a few minutes of searching. The door leading into it was unimpressive, one of a series of identical ones running the length of the long hall. I knew this was the right place though, as the scents emanating from the other rooms were all too sour to belong to Kurogane. The anticipation was eating me alive at this point, but I forced myself to be calm. Whatever grizzly scene I encountered, I'd deal with. I had to. So I fought my more basal instincts to crash right in and instead reached for the door with a slightly quivering hand, gripping it like it would shatter under my touch and quietly sliding it open.

The first thing to hit me was the light. It was incredibly bright inside the small room, and I had to blink several times to allow my eye to adjust. Once my vision had cleared I noted low ceilings, a sliding door open to a walkway on the outside of the castle, and of course the prone figure on the bed. My breath caught in my throat at the sight of him. I took two steps towards the man before a small voice halted me in my tracks.

"You must be one of Kurogane-sama's traveling companions?"

I turned my head abruptly to the right, quickly spotting the elderly man perched precariously on a tall stool against the wall. He was shrunken and stooped by extreme age and had a cavernous and liver-spotted face any self-respecting shar pei would be jealous of. His clothing was simple, and a little large on his thinning frame. I stared at him in surprise for a few moments before finally finding my voice.

"Yes, he is a very important friend of mine." The aged man's face softened, perhaps some of my worry was seeping into my voice. I lowered my head slightly and forced some levelness and respect into my tone. "My name is Fai. How is he?"

The man gestured me towards the bed with a warm smile on his wrinkled visage. "You can go see. I'll explain more later."

He didn't need to tell me twice. In three long strides I was at Kurogane's side. My eye swept his toned form briefly, taking in the mess of blood-soaked bandages enveloping most of his torso and coming to settle at long last on his dark, handsome face. The expression that I found there cracked my heart quite distinctly. Eyebrows knitted tightly together, teeth clenched, mouth set in a thin line, and perspiration beading along his forehead and hairline… this was the first time I'd ever seen him in pain. I couldn't resist touching him at this point, in utter shock that this rock, this indestructible hunk of man was actually hurt. What did I expect? That he'd be stoic and collected even in an unconscious state when he should be dead by all rights and probabilities? It was stupid of me, but the thought had never really crossed my mind that I'd see him so openly hurting.

As if handling the finest of ancient artifacts, I delicately placed the fingertips of my left hand onto the little patch of exposed skin on his chest, and when this elicited no reaction from the unconscious man I lightly pressed my palm down as well. My other hand traced shakily but reverently across the ninja's forehead, down his cheek, and along his sharp jawline before coming to rest lightly on his neck.

I swallowed a lump. This was almost too much. Both of my hands told the same story, he was feverish, sweating, and trembling ever so slightly. His flesh was oddly pale, and the overwhelming scent of blood screeched at my vampiric senses that he was still bleeding. I felt the gentle hum of magic coursing through my arched fingers as well, and quickly ascertained that it was a healing spell. That must have been Tomoyo's doing, I mused, absently stroking the clammy skin as I felt for the somewhat familiar pangs of her essence in the spell. Yeah… there they were.

"So." I almost leaped out of my skin, completely forgetting that the old man was still in the room. "As you can see, he is still with us, but I am worried that if this fever doesn't go down he may start to deteriorate." I reluctantly tore my gaze off of my friend and directed it over my shoulder at the source of the voice. The old man clambered off of his stool and slowly made his way around the bed so that we could speak face-to-face over Kurogane's still form. "It's lucky that Princess Tomoyo was able to get a healing spell cast over him so soon, it's the only thing that's kept him alive up to this point. I think that if we are able to clear up this infection there's a good chance that he'll make a full recovery." My heart rose momentarily at the good news, but then the old man glanced conspiratorially left and right and motioned me to come a bit closer. That was never a good sign.

"I didn't want to say this to the boy who was in here earlier, but I don't know how functional Kurogane-san will be when he wakes up. I've found that after warriors lose a limb they often have a difficult time finding another purpose in their lives. I'm not trying to put any more pressure on you young folks, but it may take quite a bit of attention and understanding to get him back to his old self, you know?" The healer paused and raised an eyebrow at me to make sure I was still paying attention. I felt sick, but nodded to show that I had heard what he had to say, skillfully throwing a look of understanding across my features in order to hide the growing maw of bitterness in my gut. "I'm glad that you understand, Fai-san. I hate to leave people unprepared for the psychological impact that an injury like this can have."

"Mm. Thank you for the advice." I replied, internally raging at myself while somehow managing to keep a collected face together for the old man's sake. Clearly he hadn't gotten the whole story on how this had happened in the first place, or he may have chosen his words more delicately. My mind raced, alternating jarringly between wallowing in a black sea of guilt, convincing myself that Kurogane would be mad at me if he knew I was doing that, and pondering whether or not losing this arm would actually change him much. It was a possibility that had never really occurred to me before, but the more I thought about it the more convinced I was that he would not appreciate losing a single ounce of his independence to a disability. I was at a loss about what I was going to do for a moment, but then the answer blindsided me so fast it made my head spin. Yuuko. I needed to go see her as soon as I was done here… done with Kurogane for the day… I hated the sound of that.

I looked longingly down at my bed-ridden companion, letting my sorrow for him shine through my single eye while maintaining a presentable expression for the old man on the rest of my face. I don't know why I felt the need to appear ok now of all times, but pretending had been ingrained into my nature for so long that I found it incredibly hard to stop. One thing was definitely certain though; I would never hide my real feelings from Kurogane ever again. He'd done his damnedest to keep me here, and had earned the privilege to enjoy my real honest company ten times over. I'd make sure it happened… but first he had to get better. I was unable to perform healing magic, but couldn't just sit on my hands and do nothing. It seemed that if I wanted to help, I'd just have to improvise.

"Can I try something?" I asked quietly, seeking the ancient man's rheumy eyes with my single azure gem. He looked surprised for a moment before politely mumbling several "go ahead" sounding phrases, wiggling his hand obligingly. I fixed my eye back onto the warrior's chest and thought hard for a moment, dredging up a spell that I hadn't used in ages. Once I had it solidly in my mind I reached a finger up into my mouth and sliced it cleanly on an elongated fang. Returning the bleeding appendage to Kuro-muu's chest, I sketched out a few swooping Celesian characters and then whispered some enchanting words. The bloody script glowed an intense blue and then vaporized, rising into the air and surrounding the sleeping warrior's form in a fine blue mist. The old healer watched on, dumbfounded, as the mist solidified into a bubble.

"This is a cooling spell; it should help to control the fever. You can reach inside it and do whatever you need to do to him, the spell will remain intact. I can adjust it if it gets too cold." I waved my hand three times, whispering a different magical phrase and finally producing a pin conjured out of the trace metals in the air. I extended my hand towards the man and he delicately plucked the sharp piece of metal from my proffered palm. "When there's no need for the spell anymore, just pop the bubble with this." The old man nodded slowly, turning the pin over in his hand and regarding it as if it were some kind of exotic bug. I ignored his fascination completely, turning my mind back to the task of remembering another useful spell.

When I finally had it, I pressed two fingers to my forehead and projected the spell into these digits. This took a few minutes of intense focus, as the charm was fairly powerful and any error in its formulation would change its effect entirely. I'm sure the old man was keenly observing me through the veritable forest of his scraggly eyebrows the entire time, but he really wasn't at the center of my attention. All I wanted now was to help my friend in any way I could, and I determinedly wound this sentiment into the spell as it wove itself into my fingers.

Once the charm was writ and contained in my hand, I gently settled my fingers on the ailing warrior's forehead. Concentrating hard, I pushed the spell out through my fingertips and it rapidly spread over his entire body, shimmering with a myriad of tiny Celesian characters. The blue glow shining from the minute letters lit up the already bright room, casting odd shadows on the watching healer's face as the spell danced across the ninja's body. I watched the letters silently spin and twirl across my friend's form, yearning to do something more for him than just this. Unfortunately, I was already at the end of my usefulness here. The only other help I could give now required speaking with Yuuko. I shuddered to think what the cost for returning Kurogane's arm might be, but decided to file that thought away for now. He deserved anything I could give.

"Oh!" The old man exclaimed, clearly startled when the spell suddenly stopped moving and flashed a blinding shade of violet. His surprise jolted me back to reality and I painted a reassuring expression across my face, holding up a finger to signal that I'd explain in a moment. Almost immediately after the flash the spell faded down to a flicker and the letters all began absorbing down into Kurogane's skin. I watched them go, wishing desperately that they would actually be of some benefit to the man. Within seconds, all of the characters had disappeared and the room regained its normal brightness as if nothing unusual had happened.

The old healer gaped at me expectantly, clearly not used to this kind of light show from the court magicians. I smiled a bit internally, Celesian magic was considered to be a little flashier than necessary in some circles. Tomoyo's charms probably had a more demure edge to them, after all, that would fit the culture. On the outside though, I was the picture of reassurance as I explained the spell to the old man.

"That was a protective seal. It may help prevent more infections from developing, and it should keep his heart from stopping." I dropped my gaze back down to the warrior and reached out to rest my palm on his forehead, ostensibly checking his temperature, while in reality simply wanting to touch him again. The bubble was doing its job just fine, I noted, as he already seemed to be cooling down some.

"T-that was very impressive Fai-sama!" The healer stammered, regarding me with amazement and burning curiosity. I don't know if anyone had seen his tiny eyes so wide in years. "I've certainly never seen a magician of your caliber in this court!"

I smiled slightly, ignoring the little voice in my head that tauntingly responded that a _real_ magician would be able to help more. "I'm no stronger than your princess right now," I lied, "My expertise is just in a different area." I leaned down, visually inspecting the ninja's bandages in a few areas that appeared to have soaked through with blood. My eye wanted to turn gold at the sight and smell of it but I harshly repressed it, ignoring a series of painful contractions from my stomach. He was in no state to give up more blood right now so I'd just have to go hungry for a while. "Don't you think these dressings could stand to be changed?" I asked humbly, not wanting to give the old man the idea that I was criticizing his work or anything.

"Well, yes." The healer replied, getting a little flustered as he seemed to mentally debate between taking care of his patient and talking to the oh-so-interesting foreigner. It was a short battle, however. The man really did seem to care for those in his charge. "I was actually about to do that when you came in, but I was missing something… hmm." He scratched his head with a bewildered look on his face for a few moments, apparently trying to remember what he'd been doing before I showed up. _Looks like I distract everyone around here, Kuro-mii…_

"Ah! More herbs!" The man snapped his fingers and developed an odd look of resolve on his ancient face. "I'm sorry Fai-sama, you will have to excuse me. I need to go retrieve some ingredients for a pain poultice from the infirmary. I trust that you can let yourself out?"

I nodded and flashed another somewhat tired smile for the old man's benefit. "Please take good care of him." I stated, sincerity permeating every word.

"He is in good hands, please come by again later for another visit, I would love to speak to you more at length." The old man bowed politely and gave me another respectful look before shuffling rapidly out the door and sliding it gently closed behind him.

As soon as he was gone my hands flew back to Kurogane, sliding comfortingly along his chest, up his neck, and across his face. I knew that this was only really soothing for me at this point, but I didn't care. I ran long, pale fingers through his short, dark hair; tracing the outlines of his ears and running my thumbs lightly along his cheeks. I wanted him _back_… I wanted him to yell at me for hating myself, hiding everything from him, and for being so ridiculously mushy right now. I wanted him to pitch a fit, maybe even chase me around a little, just like old times. I missed those old times. I missed Sakura's sweet smile and Syaoran's quiet determination. I missed being our own little dysfunctional family. I missed _him_. I'd been pushing him away so harshly these last few months that it was almost like I hadn't really seen him since before Tokyo. I couldn't believe that it took almost losing him for me to realize how important he was. Maybe… just maybe… this could be some kind of fresh start for us. I wished for it so desperately, yearning and pining and almost losing myself in that odd mixture of hope and regret.

"Please, Kurogane." I murmured, barely audible in the silent room. "Wake up soon."

I smiled. Even though it was small and sad, it was what being around him made me want to do. So I did it, and felt no strain in the action. That meant it was real, I suppose.

I allowed myself to remain at my friend's side for a few more precious minutes, slowly memorizing his face with my fingertips, before painfully determining that I should go. The old man would be back soon, and I didn't want to speak to him anymore. I didn't really want to talk to anyone at this point, the prospect just seemed too exhausting. However, there was one conversation that I definitely needed to have; and I would have it for Kurogane's sake. I just hoped he wouldn't be too angry with me for whatever may come of it.

With some reluctance, I forced myself to leave Kurogane's room and set off resolutely to look for Mokona.

&

I have a slight break coming up so hopefully subsequent chapters will come a little faster (until finals, that is!). Please review!

Have a happy day!

SR


	5. Chapter 5

Hey all,

Here's an interlude type chap for you. It's nice and short to make up for the last one, and relatively angst-free (shock!)!

I unfortunately have no one to thank for reviewing the last chap *is a sad panda*. People keep story alerting this thing like it's going out of style though, so I assume you like it, you're just not telling me. It's ok, I appreciate you all for reading anyway.

Disclaimer: Dis is no mine!

&

I wandered around the castle for a good twenty minutes feeling exquisitely drained and excruciatingly hungry. My feet decided where they wanted to carry me every time I came to a new hallway, leading me on an odd, meandering journey. I wasn't sure where I was going, but I figured that I was bound to run into someone eventually and they could help me locate Syaoran and Mokona.

New goals repeatedly drawled like a broken record echoing tirelessly through my head: find Mokona, talk to Yuuko, get Kuro-wan's arm back. I was hopelessly unable to formulate a plan beyond that point, but for now I at least knew what needed to be done. Figuring out what happened next would require a degree of soul-searching and speculation that I was too exhausted and empty to take on right now. Worry, fear, and guilt really take it out of you, I guess. So does the most heart-stoppingly intense relief you've ever felt. I blamed this whole blasted situation for my current fatigue.

I sighed airily for the hundredth time since leaving my companion's side, attempting to chase away the growing swells of nervousness beginning to lap at my feet. Who knew what payment the dimensional witch would want in order to grant my wish? Most of the things that made sense for me to give up in exchange for an arm would never, ever be tolerated by Kurogane. He wouldn't forgive me if I disfigured myself in an attempt to fix him, and I was certainly unwilling to surrender the pitifully few things in my life that I held dear; i.e. my adoptive family. For someone who had lived so long and done so much, I had surprisingly little to show for my efforts, which was frustratingly unfortunate when dealing with someone as material and callous as Yuuko.

I kept walking, lost in my musings. What could I possibly give…?

Sometime significantly later I stumbled upon a door open to the outside walkway of the castle. The high noontime sun shone down and I decided to step outside and have a look at Nihon, maybe take my mind off things for a while. A warm breeze ruffled through my hair as I stepped over the threshold and I paused briefly to soak it in. It was absolutely gorgeous outside. My eye slid closed unbidden and I swayed loosely in the playful swell of the breeze for a few minutes, getting lost in the buoyancy of it all. A somewhat sharper gust brought me back into reality and I took a few steps forward to lean on the thin wooden railing jailing in the path.

The view, like the weather, was simply stunning. Small stone walkways ran in an orderly fashion about the castle, sectioning off neat squares of garden and clear ponds containing large, orange and white fish. The fishes' colors were complemented and enhanced by the brilliant reds, deep purples, and piquant yellows of the flowers in the gardens and all were shaded by strategically placed trees. The trees themselves were stunted but striking in their own way, neatly trimmed and lending a sense of carefully groomed and well-managed excellence to the scene. Systematic and organized, but still beautiful in its own right, that was Nihon. The methodical care and planning behind each miniscule detail of this richly ornamented place spoke to the high sense of dignity held by this culture. They were disciplined, they were strong, and they paid attention. _This_ was what Kurogane had been so proud of whenever he spoke of home.

Wow. There simply wasn't a better word for it.

I ran my eyes over the scene again, hungry for more detail and understanding. I craned my neck to the right, following the patchwork scenery up to the base of a colossal tree which stood alone, surrounded by a lush bed of well-nourished grass. Among its branches swam a sea of pink petals that created their own soft blizzards whenever the breeze grabbed them up. I was captivated. The tree was picturesque in its own right, but it spoke to me on a different level too. There was magic in that tree, old and earthy, the kind that survived millennia unscathed and only displayed the raw depth of its power once in ten-thousand lifetimes. This place was truly special.

I'd have to hand it to Kuro-mu when he woke up; Nihon was definitely something to brag about. The thought of the ninja's matter-of-fact reply of 'damn right' brought a soft smile to my lips, but it withered almost as soon as it had bloomed. What was I doing here? The sheer power of this place had almost made me forget about Kuro-pup's current situation. My smile dwindled further down, metamorphosing into a gentle frown. I had a job to do. Feeling slightly sad, but not quite knowing why, I turned away from the sunny brilliance of the day and retreated back into the dismal halls of the castle, resuming my search for the brown-eyed boy and his talking shoulder ornament.

&

Hope you enjoyed this brief foray away from the general angsty plotline. Don't worry, it'll be back with a vengeance soon :)

Please review? (sad puppy eyes!)

Have a happy day!

SR


	6. Chapter 6

Hey all,

So... it's been a while. At least I'm updating though! (You have no idea how jealous the people over at CC are that I'm writing this instead of updating other stories...)

Anywho, I fell into a busy sort of rut for a while and lost my muse, but found inspiration again reading damalur and me or the wallpaper's stuff! Hooray! So I suppose this chap is sort of dedicated to fics that make me put down my textbooks and write. Appologies in advance if this seems more clipped than my other chapters, I wrote it all in a single sitting and haven't really edited. Story of my life (the other chaps need it badly too!!).

Disclaimer: No, still not mine :(

&

It had taken me almost an hour of wandering around the castle, but I finally managed to find Syaoran and Moko-chan. The pair of them were simply leaning against a support beam in one of the many identical hallways, staring off into space. At least, Mokona was staring off into space. Syaoran appeared to have fallen asleep, which I certainly couldn't blame him for.

My approach stirred Mokona out of her little trance, and her exuberant cry of "Fai-saaaan!!" quickly roused Syaoran from his light slumber. The boy blinked owlishly and rubbed his eyes briefly with the palms of his hands before turning his head to look at me.

"Where were you?" He asked dimly, pushing off the wall with the audible pop of a few joints. Poor boy must have been there a while.

"I'm sorry, I was just taking a short walk and I got turned around." I scratched the back of my head sheepishly, an apologetic grin unconsciously working its way onto my face. "Is this my room?" I asked, indicating the door next to the support beam where Syaoran had been leaning.

"Yeah." The teen muttered, sighing and rubbing at his eyes again. Unlike this morning, there was no malice or distrust in the boy's demeanor. He just seemed tired. Dazed, even. I could definitely relate.

"Everything here looks so much alike…" I gave a short laugh, wishing for the return of some form of normalcy. Syaoran simply nodded, casting his gaze down the hallway I'd just come from.

"Did you find Kurogane-san?"

"… I did." So much for normalcy.

"How is he?"

"He's…" I fought with myself for the right words, finally settling on "still sleeping." That was an accurate depiction of his current state, if not a complete one.

"Oh."

We fell silent for a few moments. Syaoran stared at me, head cocked slightly to the side as if he was trying to figure something out. My reflexes told me to smile and change the subject, but that was out of the question at the moment. I did need to talk to Yuuko, after all. Instead, I met his gaze for a few heartbeats, then sighed and glanced at the ground to gather myself. When I looked back up, the boy's face had fallen into understanding. He knew what was coming.

"Syaoran," I began cautiously, "I need to borrow Mokona for a little while."

"What would you trade?" He asked quietly, reluctance staining the question.

"I don't know. But if there's _any_ chance… I have to try." I smiled wistfully down at the boy, who closed his eyes and sighed. Moments later he looked back up at me, expression worn from worry, resignation, and the paralyzing fear of loss.

Someone his age should never have to look like that.

"Just don't trade something that will make him angry." The teen muttered, not joking even though it would have been a funny statement under any other circumstances. With that, he gently plucked Mokona off of his shoulder and placed her in my outstretched hands.

"Thank you, Syaoran." I bowed my head slightly before hugging Mokona to my chest and departing to the privacy of my room.

&

"Fai, I was expecting you." The dimension witch's wise voice rolled over me and I ducked my head respectfully, leaving my eye on the ground while I returned the greeting.

"Good afternoon, Yuuko-san."

"Mokona, would you please go to sleep? Leave the connection open." The little creature glanced worriedly over at me before obeying its master and losing consciousness. Yuuko waited until Moko-chan was completely out before addressing me again.

"How is Kurogane-san?"

I raised my head to meet her words, face falling into an uncharacteristic neutral. No smiles, no joking, no expression whatsoever. I was a blank and open canvas.

"He's as well as can be expected, I suppose." I paused, trying to keep the pain out of my voice. "He mutilated himself." I fell silent now, feeling no further explanation necessary. Yuuko surely knew what I was talking about.

The witch gave me a sympathetic look, just the faintest softening of the eyes and tilt of the head. "He did it for what he thought was a good cause." She stated slowly, placing each word surely in front of the next with the confidence that only someone who knows everything can possess. It was truly odd hearing tenderness in that normally distant voice… "You know that man doesn't do anything that he doesn't want to do."

My eye found the floor again and I mustered an uninspired "Mm." of agreement. Thinking about him before the incident in Celes still hurt a bit, like the tenderness of a burned finger. It was easy to forget about until you touched it again.

The witch had paused in her speech and was observing me. I forced my gaze up again, trying to show that I was still here, still paying attention…

"Fai. What is your wish?"

I took a breath, looked hard at Yuuko, then spoke.

"I want him to be whole again."

The dimension witch closed her eyes for a moment, collecting herself. My hands fidgeted nervously of their own accord. My mind raced: _This is where she's going to say 'no'. This is where she's going to say 'you have nothing of equal value to trade'. This is where she's going to say 'you should have cared about what you had more before you lost it'…_

"An arm is a very important part of oneself, used to fulfill each and every basic need. An arm catches food. An arm fights off enemies. An arm embraces loved ones and protects them from harm. In Kurogane's case an arm is a prized and irreplaceable weapon. It is a symbol of worth. Muscle, tendon, ligament, nerve, and bone; that is an arm."

The witch looked at me under half-lidded eyes, serious for perhaps the first time today.

"I assume your own limbs are off limits for payment purposes?"

"I can't dishonor his sacrifice that way." I murmured, running my hands unconsciously up and down my upper arms. "He wouldn't forgive me."

The witch regarded me for a few moments, slowly quirking the corners of her mouth up into a proud little smile.

"I see. Then I shall have to take something worth just a little bit more instead."

I looked up expectantly, daring to hope that my wish could come to pass.

"Fai, I want the rest of your magic."

All the breath rushed out of my lungs. I felt cold. "My magic?"

Yuuko nodded, smiling slyly.

I laughed stupidly and ran a hand through my hair. "Is that all?" I asked, half-sarcastically. I couldn't help it. The rest of my magic was a BIG deal. I'd been born with it. It was an integral part of me. It coursed through my veins and wound into my thoughts... I saw the world in terms of magic. I could feel the spells of each world we'd traveled to just like you could feel the pressure difference in the air before a thunderstorm. It _spoke_ to me. It kept me _alive_. Without it my existence would be… less, somehow. Greyer. Emptier. Colder.

Lonelier.

"Losing your magic would be crippling." Yuuko said cryptically. Her meaning, however, was completely clear.

Kurogane lost his arm. He was crippled for life. If I lost my arm to return his, I'd be crippled for life and he'd never forgive me.

However…

If I lost my magic I'd be crippled for life, but since none of my friends knew what it was like to have magic, they would never know how painful this loss was for me. More importantly, Kurogane wouldn't know. He'd forgive me because he would never truly understand how much I had given up for him.

It was perfect. I could see no other alternative. Undoubtedly, just as Yuuko had planned.

I rubbed my remaining eye slowly, forcing myself to come to terms. This was going to happen. I was going to give Yuuko the rest of my magic. The prospect was like agreeing to let someone cut off your fingertips… but it had to be done. I'd do it for _him_.

"Alright, Yuuko-san." I murmured, voice sounding small and uncertain even to my own ears.

I chanced a glance up and saw that the witch was favoring me with that sympathetic look again.

"Do you know what you are going to say when he wakes up?"

"I haven't the foggiest idea." I replied, smiling for some reason unbeknownst to me and cocking my head to the side slightly.

The witch favored me with a small smile of her own.

"I'll let you keep your magic until the arm is delivered. It may take a few days." Her face fell slightly. "But I think it would be best if I take the pain now."

I nodded wearily in agreement. I wasn't deluded enough to think that there would be no pain involved in this trade, and it would be wise to get it out of the way now while no one could see me hurting.

Yuuko raised her palm and pointed it at me. As she slowly closed her hand into a fist a colossal tugging sensation began within my body. The more her hand closed, the more intense it became, until it rapidly disintegrated into a violent tearing pain. I clenched my teeth and fisted my hands, trying to focus on not screaming as the sensation assaulted me. It was like every single cell in my body was being wrenched out of place one by one, nerves burning and screeching with the sensory overload. The feeling intensified, PULLING and CLAWING at me, seeking purchase in my swiftly unraveling senses. I collapsed artlessly on the floor, writhing and gasping for air, vision tunneling precipitously until I was left with nothing but a field of black.

Hours later, I stirred.

&

Yay chapter!

Reviews make me happy!

Have a happy day

SR


	7. Chapter 7

Hi there, have a chapter.

Hours later, I stirred.

My eye slid open and the world came immediately into sharp focus. I could see the wooden floor that I'd fallen upon and one of my hands lying on it, palm up and fingers slightly curled. I tightened those fingers into a loose fist and slowly opened them again, wincing at the soreness in my joints. Everything hurt. The pain coursed along the entire length of my body, throbbing lazily and forming an unremitting dull ache. It wasn't as sharp as it had been before, I might even be tempted to call it manageable. What wasn't manageable was the hollowness inside me. My magic was still there but disconnected somehow, no longer a central part of me. It was the loneliest feeling I'd ever had.

I haltingly curled into myself, forming a misshapen ball on the cold floor. And wept.

Pathetic.

So very pathetic.

But I couldn't help it. Loneliness killed me a little on the inside, it always had. As if on their own, my thoughts wandered to Ashura. He'd been the first person to pull me out of my horrendous state of loneliness, and I'd loved him for it. He supported me through the dark continuous nightmares and the long, pointless days. He picked me up every single time I fell, dusted me off, and told me that I could overcome my melancholy, I really could, if I would just smile more often. And so I smiled for him and he smiled back at me, and the beauty of it all was enough to prove that the void inside of me had been filled and despair had been left behind. Or so I thought. I remember feeling so complete and cherished the first time we came together… he held me so very softly and told me that I'd become such a beautiful person despite everything that I'd been through. He said that he was proud of me, and that he loved me. He helped me forget everything that I was and taught me to take pride in who I had become, never looking back to the ugliness where I had started. Those things were in the past, only nightmares, nothing that could shape or affect me anymore.

Then Ashura went mad, and my world turned on end. I was uncertain again and I found myself reflecting more and more on the past, slowly becoming consumed by it while Kurogane watched, pulling at the threads of my carefully constructed self. He was such an enigma to me. He said that my past didn't matter, while at the same time demanding that I be myself. How could the stubborn fool not see that who I am was wrapped up so tightly in my past that the two could not be separated? And that the real me was completely worthless, just poor orphaned little Yuui thrown out with the trash? It was much better to be the person that Ashura had shaped me into, beautiful and loved. Why didn't he see that?

It had taken months for me to realize what Kurogane wanted. Quite simply, he wanted me to accept and embrace my past, not forget it like Ashura had taught me to do. He wanted me to look hard at who I'd been, and then move on. How could I possibly do that? I feared that if I looked backwards into the blackness and filth that was my childhood and tried to accept it as a part of me that the rest of me might change to reflect it. I couldn't do that to myself. Not when I'd experienced what it was like to be accepted and loved. How could recognizing and incorporating my own repulsiveness make me into a better person? It went against everything that I'd ever been taught to think. No, I'd reject this idea and roughly shove away the one who'd suggested it. Kurogane. That fool.

I'd never been so cold with anyone before. The months that we spent in Infinity were an extended stand-off. Kurogane seemed to become more and more affected by my frostiness as the months wore on, softening his demeanor towards me but never wavering on the single thing that I wanted him to drop. I really wished that he would let it go, but the ninja was just as stubborn as I was and we rapidly reached an insurmountable impasse. It became shockingly easy to push him away, and I realized one day that I could stop him in his tracks with a single warning look. That surprised and confused me. I wanted to run from him and his distasteful ideas about what I should be, but I needed the man's blood to keep on living this miserable, increasingly perplexing life of mine. And for whatever reason, it seemed like he was willing to tolerate my attitudes and uncertainties. At least for the time being.

I didn't get it. I didn't get _him_, or why he was so obsessed with who I really was. Hell, I barely understood myself anymore most days. All I knew was that pushing him away from me eventually started to hurt. I did it again and again, hurting him and hurting me. It forced me to go down mental roads that I didn't think I was really prepared for. What did this all mean? Who was I? Who was Kurogane and what did he mean in all of this? What did he mean to me?

I only had an answer for the last one. It was confused and shady, but still there. Kurogane was special to me. God only knows why, but he was.

And now, after everything, I really just wanted him to be alright and for us to be ok again. I'd work with him, if that was what he wanted, and answer all of his questions. For once I'd let the ninja lead. He deserved no less from me. The witch's question floated through my mind again: _do you know what you are going to say to him?_

Yes, now I think I do.

Blah. This'll be over soonish, but I've got some more story ideas kicking around in my head for later. Keep your eye out for em. Reviews are love!

SR


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